Sigs

Sigs new

Age

I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity. -Tom Stoppard

Always

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. -Tony Robbins

Animal

My favorite animal is steak. -Fran Lebowitz

Argument

Argument is meant to reveal the truth, not to create it. -Edward de Bono

Australian

How about an Australian-language version? 'Your program just attempted an illegal instruction. No worries, mate.' -Paul Tomblin

Beauty

The problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting poorer. -Joan Collins

Blame

When you blame others, you give up your power to change. -Robert Anthony

Boiling

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. -Mitch Hedberg

Breathing

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst mistake if I don't. -Steve martin

Certain

I am certain there is too much certainy in the world. -Michael Crighton

Chaos

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.

Cheat

Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test. -Calvin

Common

Common sense is not so common. -Voltaire

Compliment

To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved. -George MacDonald

Computers

Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Death

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. -Woody Allen

Defeat

Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure. -George Edward Woodberry

Delude

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool. -Jane Wagner

Detest

I detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so. -Stephen Leacock

Die

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. -Bertrand Russell

Do

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. -John Wooden

Doubt

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. -James H. Boren

Drink

What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others. -Diogenes

Early

Early to bed and early to rise
Is the way to feel stupid and have red eyes. -Shirley Brooks

Equal

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. -Joan Rivers

Europe

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. -Eddie Izzard

Fashion

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner

Flowers

At my age flowers scare me. -George Burns

Folly

One man's folly is another man's wife. -Helen Rowland

Force

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Fork

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Garden

If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need. -Marcus Tullius Cicero

Girls

So many girls, so little time.

Glitters

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Grass

The grass is always greener in an alternate reality.

Hope

One lives in the hope of becoming a memory. -Antonio Porchia

Idealist

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. -Carl Sandburg

Imagination

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.

Internet

Internet was down last night. Turns out I have two kids. They seem pretty well-behaved.

Judge

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. -H.L. Mencken

German

One German is a philosopher, two Germans are a beer pub, three Germans are a heavy industry, four Germans are a world war.

Gray

Gray skies are just clouds passing over. -Duke Ellington

Gutter

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. -Oscar Wilde

Heaven

Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company. -Mark Twain

Humor

A sense of humor, properly developed, is superior to any religion so far devised. -Tom Robbins

Jog

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. -David Lee Roth

Laugh

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you will sleep alone. -Anthony Burgess

Lawn

A lawn is nature under totalitarian rule. -Michael Pollan

Life

Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well. -Josh Billings

Life

Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. -John W. Gardner

Life

Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it. -Irving Berlin

Life

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep. -Fran Lebowitz

Love

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect. -Alanis Morissette

loved

It's better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week. -Lawrence J. Peter

Majority

It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that. -G.H. Hardy

Meek

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. -Don Marquis

Mind

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? -Fred Allen

Mind

The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking. -A.A. Milne

Modest

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

Monogamy

I think serial monogamy says it all. -Tracey Ullman

Moon

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. -Les Brown

Myself

I love myself and the feeling is mutual.

Obscure

Be obscure clearly. -E.B. White

Obstacles

Obstacles are things a person sees when he takes his eyes off his goal. -E. Joseph Cossman

Opportunity

Opportunity knocked. My doorman threw him out. -Adrienne Gusoff

Plants

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. -Mitch Hedberg

Please

I only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. -Scott Adams

Predict

The best way to predict the future is to create it. -Pete Drucker

Prepare

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. -Mark Twain

Procrastination

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. -Don Marquis

Programmers

Real programmers do not read books like "effective listening" and "communication skills".

Punctuality

Punctuality means arriving at work before the boss.

Real

The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do. -B.F. Skinner

Religion

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -Napoleon Bonaparte

Responsibility

Responsibility is the price of freedom. -Elbert Hubbard

Restraint

I like restraint, if it doesn't go to far. -Mae West

Roses

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. -Oscar Levant

Rules

The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions. -Oliver Wendell Holmes

Rules

The truth is that many people set rules to keep from making decisions. -Mike Kryzewski

Same

Nothing has been the same since that house fell on my sister.

Sense

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. -Marilyn vos Savant

Software

There are two ways of contructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult. -C.A.R. Hoare

Stamp

Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there. -Josh Billings

Steal

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Stumble

Men stumble over pebbles, never over mountains. -Marilyn French

Succes

Succes is a journey, not a destination.

Talk

The less you talk, the more you're listened to. -Abigail Van Buren

Tax

I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.

Tense

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Thin

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. -Rodney Dangerfield

Things

All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list.

Things

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. -Anais Nin

Trouble

I have had more trouble with myself than any other man I've met. -Dwight L. Moody

Trust

In God we trust - The rest we monitor.

Vision

Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others. -Jonathan Swift

Weather

Bad weather always looks worse through a window. -Tom Lehrer

When

When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London. -Bette Midler

Wide

A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad. -Samuel Goldwyn

Wind

No wind serves him who addresses his voyage to no certain port. -Michel de Montaigne

Wisdom

Wisdom is knowing when you can't be wise. -Paul Engle

Wise

Better be wise by the misfortunes of others than by your own. -Aesop

Women

Women should be obscene and not be heard. -Groucho Marx

Wonderful

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -Groucho Marx

Wrongs

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. -Lawrence J. Peter