Sigs

Sigs: G

Gamble

Dont gamble. Take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it til it goes up then sell it. If it dont go up, dont buy it. - Will Rogers

Gambler

I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it. -Rodney Dangerfield

Gambling

It's only a gambling problem if you're losing.

Game(1)

Greetings Doctor Falken. How about a nice game of Global Thermonuclear War?

Game(2)

If you play a game it's fun. If you work at it it's golf.

Gap

For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.

Garlic

What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.

Gates

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... Oh, wait, he does!

Gay(1)

I came out to my sister, and she said, 'Oh my god, you're gay! Are you seeing a psychologist?' I answered, 'No, I'm seeing a schoolteacher.' -Bob Smith

Gay(2)

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with. -Roseanne

Gene

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

General(1)

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard drive?

General(2)

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. - Steven Wright

Generalization

Generalization is always wrong.

Generalizations

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Genius(1)

Genius is eternal patience. -Michelangelo

Genius(2)

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. -Albert Einstein

Genius(3)

Genius is perseverence in disguise.

Gentlemen

Gentlemen... we're history. -Rufus, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Geologist

Geologist: Fault Finder

Gift

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Girl

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. -Rodney Dangerfield

Girlfriend

A Girlfriend may be a free trial, but you get a life sentence.

Girls

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. -Meatloaf

Give

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. - Joey Adams

Giver

The giver never moans, the moaner never gives.

Glass(1)

I'm not concerned about the glass being half full or half empty. I've always got another bottle.

Glass(2)

The glass isn't half empty. It isn't half full. It's just twice the size it should be.

Glass(3)

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. Unless they don't like the drink, then it's reversed.

Glass(4)

If your glass is half empty, fill it.

Glass(5)

The glass is half empty. Deal with it.

Glasses

Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!

Glory(1)

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius

Glory(2)

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. -Napoleon Bonaparte

Glue

Why doesn't the glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Glutton

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food. -Erma Bombeck

Go

Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. -Oscar Wilde

God(1)

God is real until declared integer.

God(2)

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

God(3)

When kids ask why it's raining, tell them it is God crying. When they ask why He is crying, tell them it is probably something they did.

God(4)

God was a woman, until she changed her mind.

God(5)

God is dead. -Friedrich Nietsche

God(6)

God is man's way of glorifying his own importance.

God(7)

He was a wise man who invented God. - Plato

God(8)

When did I realise that I was God? Well I was praying and realised that I was talking to myself.

God(9)

And God so loved the world, He didn't sent a committee...

Going

...going where no clusters have gone before.

Golf(1)

Golf: The only game where lime green pants go with lemon yellow shirts.

Golf(2)

Golf Tip: To get more distance, simply smack the ball & run backwards.

Golf(3)

Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her. -Val Doonican

Golf(4)

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken. -Raymond Floyd

Golf(5)

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. -Jack Benny

Golf(6)

Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.

Golf(7)

Golf: Baseball for those that don't have 8 friends.

Golf(8)

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. -Gerald R. Ford

Golf(9)

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. -Jim Bishop

Gone

Gone Chopin, Bach in a minuet.

Good(1)

It would be very good idea. -Gandhi, when asked what he thinks about Western civilization.

Good(2)

You're only as good as your last haircut. -Fran Lebowitz

Good(3)

Good and evil, there is never one without the other. -Merlin, Excalibur

Good(4)

No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you. -Homer Simpson

Good(5)

Good people tend to do good, evil people tend to do evil, but for a good person to do evil that takes religion.

Gossip

I hate to repeat gossip, so I'll only say this once...

Goth

Goth's not dead, it's just dressed that way.

Government(1)

Government is the Entertainment Division of the military-industrial complex. -Frank Zappa

Government(2)

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them. -P.J. O'Rourke

Government(3)

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -P.J. O'Rourke

Government(4)

Government philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it 'til it is.

Government(5)

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul -George Bernard Shaw

Government(6)

A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away. -Barry M. Goldwater

Government(7)

If government were a product, selling it would be illegal. -P.J. O'Rourke

Government(8)

Practice safe government. Use kingdoms.

Government(9)

Start your own government, it seems to be a growth industry.

Government(10)

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop. - P.J. O'Rourke

Governments

Governments tend to use statistics much as a drunk might use a street lamp - more for support than illumination.

Grammar

My grammar's terrible. For that matter, so's my grampy.

Grand

Love is grand. Divorce is around twenty grand.

Grandmother(1)

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. -Ellen DeGeneres

Grandmother(2)

If my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather.

Grandparenting

Grandparenting: The stage in life when you get even with your children.

Graphic

Graphic Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment.

Gravitation

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. -Albert Einstein

Gravity(1)

Gravity sucks

Gravity(2)

Gravity isn't my fault - I voted for velcro!

Gravity(3)

Gravity gets me down.

Great

When you're great people sometimes mistake condor for bragging. -Calvin

Greed

A little greed can get you lots of stuff.

Greetings

Greetings from the Holy Bible Gun Camp.

Gross

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. -Errol Flynn

Groups

It's hard to work in groups when you're omnipotent. -Q in Star Trek The Next Generation: "Deja Q"

Grumpy

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

GUI

GUI: Golfing Under the Influence.

Guilotine

Do guilotine operators get severance pay?

Guitar

Broken guitar for sale -- no strings attached!

Gun(1)

Gun Fighting Rule: Bring a big gun.

Gun(2)

Gun Fighting Rule: If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.

Gun(3)

Gun Fighting Rule: Be polite, be professional, but plan to kill everyone you meet.

Gun(4)

A gun is only dangerous when it's fired.

Gun(5)

Gun Fighting Rule: The faster you finish a gun fight, the less you will get shot.

Guns

If guns cause crime, matches cause arson.

Gym

I want to get in shape, but the gym is two flights up.

Gypsy

Gypsy dwarf escapes jail! Small medium at large!