Sigs

Sigs: S

Sadism

Sadism, necrophilia and bestiality is flogging a dead horse.

Sadist

A sadist is someone who's kind to a masochist.

Sado-masochism

Sado-masochism means not having to say you're sorry.

Safe

Safe Sex: A pillow propped firmly against the headboard.

Saint

The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future. - Oscar Wilde

Salesman

I should warn you, we shoot every third salesman. The second one just left.

Salmon

Salmon Day: A day in which you spend the entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Same

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man. -Heraclitus

Sane

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. -Carl Gustav Jung

Sanity

Proof of sanity forged upon request.

Santa

Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?

Sarcasm(1)

Sarcasm is my sword, Apathy is my shield.

Sarcasm(2)

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Satan

I do not fear Satan half so much as I fear those who fear him. - Theresa of Avila

Sausage

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.

Say(1)

Self raising, plain, wholemeal, stone ground! Say it with flours!

Say(2)

I have nothing to say, and I say it often.

Scan

-Mr. Worf, scan that ship. "Aye, Captain. 300 dpi?"

Scared

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Scenery

The scenery only changes for the lead dog.

Schizophrenic(1)

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

Schizophrenic(2)

You're schizophrenic? Gee, that makes four of us!

Science(1)

Science doesn't burn people at the stake for disagreeing. -Vic Sagerquist

Science(2)

Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it. -Albert Einstein

Science(3)

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that's not why we're doing it. -Richard Feynman

School(1)

School is like a lollipop. It sucks until it is gone. -Ashley Salvati

School(2)

A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad. - Theodore Roosevelt

Schoolyard

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks. -Emo

Scream

In /dev/null no one can hear you scream.

Screen

This screen intentionally left blank.

Script

Script happen!

Searching

Sometimes the act of searching is more important than what you're searching for.

Seattle

How do you know it's summer in Seattle?... The rain is warmer.

Secrecy

The secrecy of my job prevents me from knowing what I do.

Secret(1)

Victoria's Secret is that she dresses like a slut.

Secret(2)

I can keep a secret. It's the people I TELL that can't!

Section

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Sector

A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of work without performing a backup.

Security

We spend all our time searching for security, and then we hate it when we get it. -John Steinbeck

See(1)

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. -Groucho Marx

See(2)

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. -Anais Nin

Seek

I do not seek, I find. -Pablo Picasso

Senators

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. -Jay Leno

Senile

SENILE.COM found... Out of mem... What was I saying?

Sense

Captain, I sense a million minds concentrating on my cleavage.

Sensors

Why is it the sensors seeking intelligent life are pointed away from earth?

Sentimentality

Sentimentality - that's what we call the sentiment we don't share. -Graham Greene

Sequels

Can taglines have sequels? Hmmm...

Serenity

Serenity is a very personal work with political resonance and a heartfelt message about the human condition and stuff blowing up. -Joss Wedon on his new film

Seriously

No matter what happens, someone will find a way to take it too seriously.

Seven

Seven days running makes one weak.

Sex(1)

How often should we practice sex before it is safe?

Sex(2)

What's the speed limit on sex? ...68 , at 69 you have to turn around.

Sex(3)

Sex is dirty only if done right.

Sex(4)

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. - Woody Allen

Sex(5)

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Sex(6)

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic. -Woody Allen

Sex(7)

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Sex(8)

Sex is like air. It's no big deal unless you aren't getting any.

Sex(9)

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. -Steve Martin

Shakespeare

Why did Shakespeare use so many famous quotations in his work?

Shampoo

Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!

Shape(1)

I want to get in shape, but the gym is two flights up.

Shape(2)

I AM in shape... round's a shape isn't it?

Sheep

In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep. -Albert Einstein

Shift

Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

Shin

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Ship(1)

Red ship crashed into blue ship - sailors marooned...

Ship(2)

Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the Airport.

Shoehorn

I tried to play my shoehorn once, but all I got was footnotes.

Shoot

Never shoot to kill. Shoot to live!

Shop

Always shop for nothing, since it is always in stock.

Shortage

The best shortage is a shortage of words. -Welsh proverb

Shotgun

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Siblings

Best friends are the siblings God chose not to give us.

Sick(1)

My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.

Sick(2)

You've never been as sick as just before you stop breathing.

Sig

is .sig has been modified. It has been reformatted to fit your scre

Signatures

Signatures are usually made to compensate for the boring contents.

Signify

It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. -Will Rogers

Sight

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. -Mark Twain

Silence(1)

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. -Josh Billings

Silence(2)

Silence is not always golden, sometimes it is yellow.

Simple

It is simple to make something complex, and complex to make it simple.

Simplicity

The art of simplicity is a puzzle of complexity. -Doug Horton

Simply

Things should be described as simply as possible, but no simpler. -A. Einstein

Sin(1)

A great sin can enter by a small door. -Welsh proverb

Sin(2)

Eskimo:"If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest:"No, not if you did not know." Eskimo:"Then why did you tell me?"

Sin(3)

If you're going to sin, sin against God, not the bureaucracy. God will forgive you, but the bureaucracy won't. -Hyman George Rickover

Sin(4)

The sixth deadly sin in programming is to equate the unlikely with the impossible.

Sincere

You can be sincere and still be stupid. -Charles F. Kettering

Sing

To sing before breakfast is to weep before supper. -Welsh proverb

Situation

Take on the situation, but not the torment. -Stevie Nicks

Size

It's not the size of the ship, it's the size of the waves.

Skeptic

Me ... a skeptic? I trust you have proof.

Skiing

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. -Dave Barry

Skydiving

Skydiving does not require a parachute, skydiving twice does.

Sleep(1)

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients," but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian." -Roger Matthews

Sleep(2)

Sleep? Isn't that a completely inadequate substitute for cafeine?

Sleep(3)

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more. -Woody Allen

Sleep(4)

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Sleep(5)

SLEEP? I'm a SYSOP!

Sleep(6)

Sleep is for those who can't handle Cyberspace.

Sleepy

If you wake up Sleepy & Grumpy, you must be Snow White.

Slimming

Italian slimming course - see Naples and diet.

Slinky

Some people are like a Slinky. Not good for much but still fun to push down a flight of stairs.

Slips

Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.

Slow

If you think your computer is slow, how do you suppose it feels about YOU?

Slower

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Slut

I'm not a slut, I'm just popular. -Kelly Bundy

Small(1)

Anyone who thinks that he is too small to make a difference, has never been in bed with a mosquito.

Small(2)

It's a small world, so you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Smile(1)

The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.

Smile(2)

Smile - it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Smile(3)

Smile - it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smile(4)

I won't smile till the world says it's sorry

Smile(5)

I smile because I have no idea what the hell is going on.

Smile(7)

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. -W.C. Fields

Smiles

Smiles are meant to be shared, that's why they're so contagious.

Smoke(1)

Confucius say: Many man smoke, but Fu Manchu.

Smoke(2)

Where there's smoke, there's toast.

Smoking(1)

Smoking is the misery between the euphoria of your first and the one of your last cigarette.

Smoking(2)

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Smoking(3)

Smoking kills. If you're killed you've lost a very important part of your life. -Brooke Shields

Smurf

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Snacks

Melted fruit snacks found on Keyboard. Delete nephew [Y/N]?

Sniff

(Sniff) (Sniff)... Ok... Who UARTed?

Sober

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -Ernest Hemingway

Society

Society is never going to make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other.

Soft

A soft answer turneth away wrath, but leaveth unrepelled the door-to-door religion peddler.

Software(1)

Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.

Software(2)

If McDonalds were run like a software company, one out of every hundred Big Macs would give you food poisoning -- and the response would be, "We're sorry, here's a coupon for two more." -Mark Minasi

Solution(1)

Solution: A more subtle problem.

Solution(2)

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem...

Solution(3)

When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Somebody

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. -Lily Tomlin

Someday

Someday we will look on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Sometimes

Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.

Sorcerer

The only thing worse than a sorcerer is his apprentice.

Sorry

I'm terribly sorry, but I absolutely refuse to apologize.

Soul

Frisbyterian: when you die, your soul goes up on the roof.

Sound

Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good. -Buffy in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Source(1)

Never trust a program unless you have the source.

Source(2)

The linuX Files -- The Source is Out There.

Space(1)

This space intentionally left blank.

Space(2)

This space for rent.

Space(3)

This space for rant.

Space(4)

DO BOT WRITE IN THIS SPACE.

Space(5)

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. - Woody Allen

Space(6)

"Space...is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mindbogglingly big it is. I mean you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist, but that's just peanuts to space. " Douglas Adams

Space(7)

For NASA, space is still a high priority. -Dan Quayle

Space(8)

Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. -Johnny Hart

Spacebar

"I operate a spacebar," Quark said blankly.

Spacebars

Real_men_don't_need_spacebars.

Spammers(1)

Spammers, please add "nospam" to address.

Spammers(2)

In a perfect world... spammers would get caught, go to jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their penisses, taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship.

Spank

Pretend to spank me. I'm a pseudo-masochist!

Speak(1)

Speak not of what you have read, but about what you have understood. -Azerbaijani Proverb

Speak(2)

I Speak, therefore I Am.

Speak(3)

We shall not speak of the thing we shall never speak of.

Species

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

Specification

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

Specimen(1)

The most interesting specimen will not be labelled.

Specimen(2)

Specimen: An Italian astronaut.

Spectacles

A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. -Friedrich Nietsche

Speechless

I'm speechless. I have no speech.

Speed(1)

186,000 Miles per Second. It's not just a good idea. IT'S THE LAW.

Speed(2)

The speed of time is one second per second.

Spell(1)

CBA.com is a spell checker for dyslexics.

Spell(2)

Spell Checker: The Head Witch

Spell(3)

Spell chequers dew knot work write.

Spellchecker

Spellchecker not found. Press -- to continue ...

Split

Split personality? Who, us?

Spontaneous

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Sport

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. -Tiger Woods

Spring

Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush. -Doug Larson

Squeaky

The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Stacker

Can I run STACKER on my VISA?

Stagnation

Stagnation is fine with me if it maintains the status quo.

Stand

Never stand next to someone throwing shit at an armed man. - Larry Niven

Standards

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from. -Andrew S. Tanenbaum

Stars(1)

As I lay back looking up at the stars, I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

Stars(2)

Drusilla: "I'm naming all the stars." Spike: "You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also, it's day. (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

State

The state is the great fictitious entity by which everyone seeks to live at the expense of everyone else. -Frederick Bastiat

Station

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation.

Stations

If trains stop at train stations, what happens at work stations?

Statistics(1)

Statistics: The (futile) attempt to offer certainty about uncertainty.

Statistics(2)

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Statistics(3)

I always find that statistics are hard to swallow and impossible to digest. The only one I can ever remember is that if all the people who go to sleep in church were laid end to end they would be a lot more comfortable. -Mrs. Robert A. Taft

Steersmen

When the steersmen are many the ship will sink. -Welsh proverb

Stereo

((((( This tagline in STEREO where available )))))

Stereotyping

Stereotyping: the art of typing with 2 keyboards, on a dual-monitor system.

Step

My 12 step program: never be more than twelve steps away from chocolate.

Stitch

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

Stock(1)

Stock Exchange News: Sun peaked at midday.

Stock(2)

Stock Exchange News: Paper was stationary.

Stone

Tapping persistantly breaks the stone. -Welsh proverb

Stoned

Let him who is stoned cast the first sin...

Stool(1)

The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.

Stool(2)

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. -Emo Philips

Story

A story should have a beginning, a middle, and an end... but not necessarily in that order. -Jean-Luc Goddard

Straight

Let's get one thing straight. I'm not. -Kate Clinton

Straitjacket

I put my straitjacket on one arm at a time, just like anyone else.

Streakers

Streakers beware - your end is in sight.

Stream

The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it. -Woodrow Wilson

Stress

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!

String

If a string has one end, then it has another end.

Strong

The whole history of the world is summed up in the fact that, when nations are strong, they are not always just, and when they wish to be just, they are no longer strong. - Sir Winston Churchill

Stupid(1)

Ignorance can be fixed, stupid is forever.

Stupid(2)

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some people abuse the privilege.

Stupid(3)

Just think of how stupid the average person is. And half of 'em are stupider than that! -George Carlin

Stupid(4)

I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow... -Zappa

Stupid(5)

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Stupid(6)

You're not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.

Stupid(7)

If it's stupid but it works, it ain't stupid.

Stupid(8)

God must love stupid people, he made so many of them.

Stupidity(1)

The problem with the world is stupidity. Not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself? -Frank Zappa

Stupidity(2)

Avon: 'Staying with you requires a degree of stupidity of which I no longer feel capable'
Blake: 'Now you're just being modest'

Subconscious

It was his subconscious which told him this - that infuriating part of a person's brain which never responds to interrogation, merely gives little meaningful nudges and then sits humming quietly to itself, saying nothing. -Douglas Adams

Subordinate

Subordinate Clauses: Santa's helpers.

Suburbia

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

Succeed(1)

If at first you don't succeed, the heck with it.

Succeed(2)

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Succeed(3)

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. -Dan Quayle

Succeed(4)

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Succeed(5)

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Succeed(6)

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

Succeed(7)

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.

Succeed(8)

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Success(1)

If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut. -Albert Einstein

Success(2)

There are two rules for success... 1) Never tell everything you know. - Roger H. Lincoln

Success(3)

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. -Dale Carnegie

Success(4)

Success of those we dislike proves that luck exists.

Success(5)

Success is not in what you have, but who you are.

Success(6)

There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way. -Christopher Morley

Success(7)

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. -Dale Carnegie

Suffer

Always make the audience suffer as much as possible. -Alfred Hitchcock

Suicidal

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Suit

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other, Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. -Katherine Hepburn

Sun(1)

There's nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know. - Ambrose Bierce

Sun(2)

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do. -Galileo Galilei

Sun(3)

If the sun is shining after two days of rain it is probably Monday

Superb

Even a superb writer needs a good editor. A merely good writer needs a superb editor.

Supercomputer(1)

A Supercomputer is a computer that runs an endless loop in two seconds.

Supercomputer(2)

Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. - Ken Batcher

Superficial

I am a deeply superficial person. -Andy Warhol

Superstition

The general root of superstition is that men observe when things hit, and not when they miss, and commit to memory the one, and pass over the other. -Sir Francis Bacon

Superstitious

It's bad luck to be superstitious

Surgeon

Never ask a surgeon whether you need an operation. -Gerhard Kocher

Sushi

In Canada there is another word for sushi... BAIT!

Swarm

That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.

Swat

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitos?

Sweet

It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.

Swimming

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Sword

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Sympathise

Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success. -Oscar Wilde

Symptoms

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. - Bertrand Russell

Synonym

Synonym: A word you use when you can't spell the other.

Syntax(1)

SYNTAX? Why not - they tax everything else!

Syntax(2)

SYNTAX ERROR: "Hi, I'd like to buy a computer, and money is no object."

Sysop

Sysop: Someone who likes watching others use his computer.

System(1)

System failure:> abort, retry, fail?_

System(2)

Compared to system administration, being cursed forever is a step up. -Paul Tomko