Sigs

Sigs: D

Dachshund

Dachshund: Half a dog high by a dog and a half long.

Damage

Brain damage? No thanks, I already have some.

Dance(1)

Human beings, vegetables, or comic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible player. -Albert Einstein

Dance(2)

"I dance at a topless club," the girl said barely.

Danger(1)

I laugh in the face of danger! Then I ... hide until it goes away. -Xander in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Danger(2)

DANGER! Human at keyboard!

Danger(3)

Danger! 1,000,000,000 Ohms! Do Not Enter!

Dangerous(1)

Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart; for his purity, by definition, is unassailable. -James Arthur Baldwin

Dangerous(2)

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than the sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. -Martin Luther King

Dangerous(3)

I'm dangerous when I know what I'm doing.

Dangle

Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers. -From the manual for a Silicon Graphics workstation

Dark(1)

Come to the dark side... we have cookies.

Dark(2)

I found my way in the dark by bouncing off sharp objects, as I expect we all do. -Algis Budrys

Darkest

It's always darkest before you step on the cat.

Darkness

When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles scream and shout.

Dating

Dating Tip: Real women don't deflate when you bite them.

Dave

What are you doing, Dave? -HAL, 2001

Dawn(1)

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Dawn(2)

Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.

Day(1)

Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others. - Sir Winston Churchill

Day(2)

Every dog has his day - but the nights are reserved for the cats.

Day(3)

A day without sunshine is like night.

Days

The days of good English has went.

Dead(1)

Only the dead have seen the end of war. -Plato

Dead(2)

He's DEAD, Jim. You grab his tricorder, I'll get his wallet.

Dead(3)

He's not dead, Jim, he's metaphysically challenged.

Dead(4)

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. "He's dead. Good."

Dead(5)

He's dead, Jim. You grab his wallet, I'll grab his tricorder.

Dead(6)

The dead know only one thing: it's better to be alive. -Private Joker, Full Metal Jacket

Dead(7)

She's dead, Jim, but still warm, let's flip a coin.

Deadlines

I love deadlines. I love the whoosing sound they make as they fly by. -Douglas Adams

Deaf

Confucius say: Deaf husband and blind wife make happy couple.

Death(1)

If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.

Death(2)

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

Death(3)

There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network. -Guy Almes

Death(4)

Dear, it's a Mr. Death, he's come about the reaping?

Debate(1)

Attempting to debate with a person who has abandoned reason is like giving medicine to the dead. -Thomas Paine

Debate(2)

It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it. -Joseph Joubert

Debrief

Debrief: Wife listening while you talk in your sleep.

Debugging

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it. -Brian W. Kernighan

Decide

I have to decide between two equally frightening options. If I wanted to do that, I'd vote. -Duckman

Decision

Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.

Decisions

It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong. -Thomas Sowell

Deer

Warning: I brake for lawn deer.

Defense(1)

The best defense is to stay out of range.

Defense(2)

The best defense against logic is ignorance.

Degenerate

Our earth is degenerate in these latter days, bribery and corruption are common, children no longer obey their parents and the end of the world is evidently approaching. -Assyrian clay tablet 2800 B.C.

Deja(1)

Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Deja(2)

Deja Goo: The feeling that you've stepped in this before.

Delete

Whatever you delete today, you desperately need tomorrow.

Delusion

When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion. - Robert M. Pirsig

Demand

I demand to be loved.

Democracy(1)

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president. -Johnny Carson

Democracy(2)

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard. -H.L. Mencken

Democracy(3)

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting that vote. -Benjamin Franklin

Democracy(4)

Democracy is a charming form of government, full of variety and disorder, and dispensing a sort of equality to equals and unequal alike. - Plato

Democracy(5)

Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.

Democracy(6)

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. -George Bernard Shaw

Democracy(7)

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. -Lawrence J. Peter

Democracy(8)

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. -H.L. Mencken

Democrat

Vote Democrat - it's easier than working.

Demons

Demons are a Ghoul's best friends.

Denial

Denial: Not just a river in Egypt.

Dentist

Is my dentist not bound by the Geneva Concention? -Gerhard Kocher

Deposit

Even a pigeon can make a deposit on a Mercedes!

Depressed

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -Elaine Boosler

Depression

Depression is merely anger without enthousiasm.

Depths

When you want to test the depths of a stream, don't use both feet. -Chinese Proverb

Descartes(1)

Descartes thought he was here.

Descartes(2)

Descartes of Borg: We assimilate. Therefore, we are.

Desert

What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well. -The Little Prince, Chapter XXIV

Desire

It is the nature of desire not to be satisfied and most men live only for the gratification of it. -Aristotle

Desk(1)

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Desk(2)

A desk is a dangerous place from which to view the world. -Le Carre

Despite

Despite the high costs of living, it remains popular.

Determined

Besides, the determined Real Programmer can write FORTRAN programs in any language.

Detour

Detour: The roughest distance between two points.

Devil

Where the devil cannot go, he will send a woman. -Polish proverb

DeYahoo

DeYahoo: The feeling you've searched the web for this before.

Diagnostics

Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will.

Dial

We ran out of dial tone and we're waiting for the phone company to deliver another bottle.

Die(1)

One of the few good things about modern times: if you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us. -Kurt Vonnegut

Die(2)

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owned me a lot of money. -Jack Handey

Die(3)

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen

Diet(1)

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Diet(2)

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks. -Joe E. Lewis

Diet(3)

My hard drive went on a crash diet, and lost its FAT.

Dieting

Dieting: Wishful shrinking.

Difference(1)

The difference between theory and practice in practice is bigger than the difference between theory and practice in theory.

Difference(2)

Apparently the difference between a stink bomb and a level 3 toxic biohazard is two extra drops of sulfur tetraoxide. I am totally suing that Web site. -Lois, Malcolm in the Middle

Difficult

If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they'll find an easier way to do it.

Dijon

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Dime

Dime: A dollar with all the taxes taken out.

Dimple

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. -Stephen B. Leacock

Ding

I want to put a ding in the universe. -Steve Jobs

Dinner(1)

Dinner not ready: (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)izza.

Dinner(2)

Well, dinner would have been splendid... if the wine had been as cold as the soup, the beef as rare as the service, the brandy as old as the fish, and the maid as willing as the Duchess. - Winston Churchill

Dinosaurs

Dinosaurs do it extinctively.

Diplomacy(1)

Diplomacy: the art of letting someone have your way.

Diplomacy(2)

Diplomacy: Saying "nice doggie" until you find a big rock.

Diplomat

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. -Robert Lee Frost

Direction

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction. - Douglas MacArthur

Disc

Disc space, the final frontier!

Disclaimer

DISCLAIMER: I have nothing to do with anything at all. PERIOD.

Disco(1)

A lifetime of disco music is a high price to pay for one's sexuality. -Quentin Crisp

Disco(2)

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Discontent

Discontent is the first necessity of progress. -Thomas A. Edison

Discovery

Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought. -Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi

Discuss

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

Disneyland

Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?

Dispersal

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Distance(1)

Short Cut: The longest distance between two points.

Distance(2)

Viewed from a sufficient distance, all systems of philosophy are seen to be personal, temperamental, accidental, and premature. -George Santayana

Distance(3)

Everything is within walking distance if you have the time. -Steven Wright

Distinguished

When a distinguished scientist states something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

Distrust

I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires. -Susan B. Anthony

Divorce

Ah, yes, divorce... from the latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams

DIY

It has always p*ssed me off somewhat when people said they were into DIY until they realised that they had to do everything themselves. -Amon Zero

Do(1)

Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. - George Bernard Shaw

Do(2)

Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do.

Do(3)

To do is to be. To be is to do. Do be do be do.

Do(4)

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Docs(1)

Docs? Why look at the Docs? Nurses are better!

Docs(2)

Go straight to the docs. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200!

Doctor

A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German proverb

Doctors

10 out of 5 doctors think it's OK to be schizophrenic.

Documentation

Documentation: The worst part of programming.

Dog(1)

If you want the dog, accept the fleas. -Spanish proverb

Dog(2)

A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.

Dog(3)

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -Marx

Dog(4)

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. -Josh Billings

Dogmatism

Dogmatism: Puppyism come to its full growth.

Dogmatist

The dogmatist within is always worse than the enemy without. -S.J. Gould

Donkey

Who's born as donkey can't die as horse. -Italian proverb

Door(1)

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. -Alexander Graham Bell

Door(2)

Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself. -Chinese proverb

DOS(1)

Southern DOS: "Y'all reckon?" [Yep/Nope]

DOS(2)

Why doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT command or filename.'

DOS(3)

DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something.

Doubt(1)

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Doubt(2)

I doubt therefore I might be.

Down(1)

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Down(2)

He that is down needs fear no fall.

Down(3)

Down with gravity

Draftees

The best draftees are married men, they take orders.

Draw

First draw the curve, then plot the data.

Dream

All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals. -Homer Simpson

Dreaming

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get you thrown in jail if you really tried them.

Dreams(1)

When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.

Dreams(2)

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up. -Paul Valery

Dressed(1)

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Dressed(2)

You're never fully dressed without a smile.

Drink(1)

I have a drink problem - I can't afford it.

Drink(2)

I drink to make other people interesting. -George Jean Nathan

Drink(3)

Drink all you can now because after college, it's called alcoholism.

Drink(4)

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. -W.C. Fields

Drive(1)

Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me."

Drive(2)

If your wife wants to learn to drive don't stand in her way.

Driver

A better driver is one with a police car behind him.

Drug(1)

A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like ab asshole. -Frank Zappa

Drug(2)

I used to have a drug problem but now I make enough money. -David Lee Roth

Drug(3)

Have you drug tested YOUR legislators lately?

Drugs

Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!

Drunk(1)

Take me drunk, I'm home

Drunk(2)

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Duct

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. -Oprah Winfrey

Dumb(1)

There's no such thing as a dumb question, just dumb people.

Dumb(2)

If you are going to be dumb, you better be tough.

Duplex

WWhhaatt ddooeess ""DDUUPPLLEEXX"" mmeeaann??

Dwarf(1)

White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.

Dwarf(2)

Lustful Gypsy dwarf: Small medium enlarged?

Dyke

I read that a big earthen dyke crumbled in Utah. Don't laugh. I knew her. -Karen Ripley

Dynamic

DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.

Dyslexic(1)

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He had trouble sleeping at night, wondering if there was a dog.

Dyslexic(2)

I used to be dyslexic. But I'm yako now.

Dyslexic(3)

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Dyslexics(1)

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Dyslexics(2)

Dyslexics of the world, untie!