Sigs

Sigs: H

Hackers

Hackers have kernel knowledge.

Hair

Yeah, I have a hair stylist. His name is helmet.

Haircolor

What haircolor do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Hairy

Orac: There is NO LOGICAL REASON why aliens should be hairy'

Half(1)

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. -Clarence Darrow

Half(2)

Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half. -Gore Vidal

Halibut

Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.

Hammer

A big enough hammer can usually fix anything.

Hand(1)

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Hand(2)

Luxuriantly hand crafted in only the finest ASCII!

Hand(3)

I'd give my right hand to be ambidexterous.

Hand(4)

A hand in the bush beats two on the bird?

Handle

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Hands

Many hands make repairs to generator, then light works.

Hang

We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately. -Benjamin Franklin.

Hangover

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Happen

Things do not happen. Things are made to happen. -John F. Kennedy

Happiness(1)

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. -Henny Youngman

Happiness(2)

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.

Happiness(3)

Nothing is more fatal to happiness than the remembrance of happiness. -Andre Gide

Happiness(4)

Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)

Happiness(5)

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. -George Burns

Happiness(6)

Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Happiness(7)

A lifetime of hapiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth. -George Bernard Shaw

Happy(1)

What if you're happy and you don't know it?

Happy(2)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield

Happy(3)

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happy(4)

Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.

Happy(5)

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it. -Lyndon B. Johnson

Hard(1)

Making it hard to do stupid things often makes it hard to do smart ones too. -Andrew Koenig

Hard(2)

Some play hard to get, I play hard to want.

Hardware

Hardware: The parts of a computer that can be kicked.

Harm(1)

The harm we do is more noticed than any good we do.

Harm(2)

Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important.

Hate(1)

I hate people who make generalizations.

Hate(2)

Two things I hate: People that can't count.

Have

I'll have what the guy on the floor is having.

He

He who laughs, lasts.

Headlines

Make headlines! Use corduroy pillow cases!

Health(1)

Digressions, objections, delight in mockery, carefree mistrust are signs of health; everything unconditional belongs in pathology. -Friedrich Nietsche

Health(2)

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. -Redd Foxx

Health(3)

Health is the slowest rate at which one can die.

Health(4)

Nothing will benefit human health and increase the chances for survival of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet. - Albert Einstein

Health(5)

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. -Mark Twain

Hear

[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses]

Heart

The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.

Heaven

In heaven all the interesting people are missing. -Friedrich Nietsche

Heisenberg(1)

... Heisenberg may have slept here.

Heisenberg(2)

This is the Heisenberg operating system: you are logged in and logged off at the same time.

Heisenborg

I am Heisenborg. You will probably be assimilated.

Hell(1)

The road to hell is paved with spacer gifs and nested tables.

Hell(2)

The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who remain neutral in a moral crisis. -Dante

Hell(3)

There have been many definitions of hell, but for the English the best definition is that it is the place where the Germans are the police, the Swedish are the comedians, the Italians are the defence force, Frenchmen dig the roads, the Belgians are the pop singers, the Spanish run the railways, the Turks cook the food, the Irish are the waiters, the Greeks run the government, and the common language is Dutch. -David Frost and Anthony Jay

Hell(4)

Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. -Milton Friedman

Hell(5)

Welcome to Hell. Here's your copy of Windows.

Hell(6)

If you are going through hell, keep going. -Sir Winston Churchill

Hello

"Hello," lied the politician.

Hemorrhoids

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of asteroids?

Hen

A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.

Henceforth

Henceforth, sharks shall be known as "attorneys-at-sea."

Herd

Going with the herd can take you over a cliff.

Here

Like, what am I supposed to put HERE?

Hereditary

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. - Joseph Fischer

Hex

Hex dump: Where witches put used curses...

Hi

Hi. My name is Steve, and I'm a Tag-aholic.

Highways

Why are highways in Hawaii called 'interstates'?

Himself

He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.

Hindenborg

I am Hindenborg. OH, THE HUMANITY! will be assimilated.

History(1)

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. - George Bernard Shaw

History(2)

For my part, I consider that it will be found much better by all parties to leave the past to history, especially as I propose to write that history myself. - Sir Winston Churchill

History(3)

At any point in our history, we've had competitors who were better at doing something. -B. Gates, Sept 2005

History(4)

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon. -Napoleon Bonaparte

History(5)

Those of us who fail history, are doomed to repeat it in summer school. -Buffy Summers

History(6)

History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up.

History(7)

Much of the social history of the western world over the past three decades has been a history of replacing what worked with what sounded good. -Thomas Sowell

Hit(1)

Hit me, beat me, make me write COBOL!

Hit(2)

#1 BORG Hit Parade: "We all sleep in a single subroutine"

Hobbits

Hobbits network with Tolkien Ring adapters...

Hobby

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illnes".

Hole

A hole is nothing but you can still break your neck in it.

Holes

Black holes suck

Home(1)

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. -Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

Home(2)

Home is where you have to wash the dishes.

Homer

Marge: "Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday."
Homer: "Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!"

Homosexuals

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. -Homer Simpson

Honest

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made. -George Burns

Honesty(1)

Honesty pays... but not enough for some.

Honesty(2)

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Honesty(3)

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. -George Carlin

Honk(1)

Think honk if you're telepathic.

Honk(2)

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Honk(3)

Honk if you love obscene gestures.

Hope

Ever since I gave up hope, I feel much better.

Horrifying

It is horrifying that we have to fight our own government to save the environment. -Ansel Adams

Horse(1)

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it swim backstroke.

Horse(2)

Horse sense is stable thinking.

Hospital

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. -Groucho Marx

Housekeeper

I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

Housework(1)

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. -Joan Rivers

Housework(2)

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller

Hot

Hot water heaters: hot water needs heating?

Hotline

Welcome to the psychiatric hotline! If you are:
Submissive or co-depentant: ask permission to press 1.
Agressive/hostile: Strike all the buttons repreatedly with your fist.
Suffering from multiple personalitiy disorders: press 3 4 5 and 6.
Paranoid: We know who you are. We know where you live Please stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
Delusional: Stay on the line.. a little voice in your head will tell you what to do.
Manic-Depressive: It doesnt matter what button you press. It doesnt make any difference. No one will answer you.

HTML

The PROPER way to handle HTML postings is to cancel the article, then hire a hitman to kill the poster, his wife and kids, and fuck his dog and smash his computer into little bits. Anything more is just extremism. -Paul Tomblin

Hugo

"I hate Victor Hugo," said Les miserably.

Human(1)

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. -Bill Cosby

Human(2)

Human errors can only be avoided if one can avoid the use of humans.

Human(3)

Never send a human to do a machine's job. -The Matrix

Human(4)

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -Douglas Adams

Human(5)

Human (n): Useful domestic animal popular with cats.

Humble(1)

Don't be humble, you're not that great. -Golda Meir

Humble(2)

It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.

Humility

If I had any humility I would be perfect. -Ted Turner

Humor

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. -James Thurber

Humorist

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. -Will Rogers

Hurry

Never tell your computer that you're in a hurry.

Husband(1)

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

Husband(2)

A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.

Hypothesis

The great tragedy of science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact. -Thomas Huxley

Hypothetical

What if there were no hypothetical situations?