Sigs

Sigs: M

Macintosh

Macintosh... an "Etch-a-Sketch" you don't have to shake.

Macs

The biggest problem with Macs is the incessant whine that comes from the user. -David Brady

Madness

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Mafia

MAFIA.SYS Not Found - Program Not Executed.

Magic

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. -Arthur C. Clarke

Magnet(1)

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Magnet(2)

He's got a magnet! Everybody BACKUP!

Mail(1)

Borg Mail Reader v2.1a - Taglines are irrelevent.

Mail(2)

Mail Media. Do not expose to Flames!

Mail(3)

The US mail is one thing; The US female is something else!

Mainframe

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

Maintenance

Maintenance free: It's impossible to fix.

Majority

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. - Mark Twain

Maker

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill

Make-up

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. -Bob Hope

Malice(1)

Never attribute anything to malice until you've ruled out utter stupidity. -Mickey Zucker Reichert

Malice(2)

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Man(1)

A man needs a mattress just to soften the mahogany.

Man(2)

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. -Woody Allen

Man(3)

I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. - Oscar Wilde

Man(4)

A man who steals his neighbor's wife is not alone.

Man(5)

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -Wernher von Braun

Mandate

There is a mandate to impose a voluntary return to traditional values. -Ronald Reagan

Manners(1)

I don't mind if you don't like my manners, I don't like them myself. They are pretty bad. I grieve over them on long winter evenings. -Philip Marlow

Manners(2)

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Marriage(1)

Marriage is a state of Holy Acrimony.

Marriage(2)

A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot the horse, but it don't fix the leg.

Marriage(3)

Nothing anybody tells you about marriage helps.

Marriage(4)

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution. -Henry Louis Mencken

Marriage(5)

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Marriage(6)

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. -Joey Adams

Marriage(7)

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.

Marriage(8)

Marriage is probably the main course of divorce.

Marriage(9)

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriage(10)

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage(11)

The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character.

Marriage(12)

If it weren't for marriage, men would spend our lives thinking we had no faults at all.

Married(1)

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. -Rita Rudner

Married(2)

"You're not married, you haven't got a girlfriend and you've never seen Star Trek? Good Lord!" -Patrick Stewart

Marry(1)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

Marry(2)

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. -Einstein

Marry(3)

Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without. -Dr. James C. Dobson

Mars(1)

President Bush announced that we're landing on Mars today... which means he's given up on Earth. -Jon Stewart: The Daily Show

Mars(2)

Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. -Dan Quayle

Martyrdom(1)

Martyedon has always been proof of the intensity, never of the correctness of a belief. -Arthur Schnitzler

Martyrdom(2)

Martyrdom is the only way a person can become famous without ability. - George Bernard Shaw

Martyrdom(3)

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. - Sir Winston Churchill

Mary

Mary had a little RAM -- only about a MEG or so.

Mask(1)

A mask of gold hides all deformities.

Mask(2)

There used to be a me behind the mask, but I had it surgically removed. -Peter Sellers

Masturbation

Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love. -Woody Allen

Math

Eight out of every five people are math illiterates.

Mathematician

A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.

Mathematics(1)

Pure mathematics is, in its way, the poetry of logical ideas. -Albert Einstein

Mathematics(2)

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater. -Albert Einstein

Mathematics(3)

Thus mathematics may be defined as the subjects in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. -Bertrand Russell.

Matrimony

Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.

Max

Max refused to climb the mountain - he was an anti-climb Max.

McCoy

McCoy kneels over Ensign Pillsbury - "He's bread, Jim!"

Mean

What do you mean you formatted the cat?

Means

A perfection of means, and confusion of aims, seems to be our main problem. -Albert Einstein

Meat

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.

Medicine(1)

From year to year it is more obvious: The goal of medicine is not health but the extension of the health system. -Gerhard Kocher

Medicine(2)

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. -Voltaire

Mediocrities

Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocreties. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence. -Albert Einstein

Mediocrity

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Medium

Television is called a medium because it is neither rare or well done.

Meek(1)

The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights. -J. Paul Getty

Meek(2)

The meek shall inheret the Earth, the rest of us will go to the stars. -Asimov

Meek(3)

The Meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it.

Meek(4)

The meek shall inherit the earth, if nobody minds.

Meeting

The Peacemaking Meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Megahertz

Megahertz: When something is really painful.

Memories(1)

Memories fade but a Google search never forgets.

Memories(2)

The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: It is the false ones which seem the most precious. -Dali

Memorize

Never memorize something that you can look up. -Albert Einstein

Memory(1)

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time. -Friedrich Nietsche

Memory(2)

I have 5 nanosecond memory. Duration - not access time.

Memory(3)

A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen. -Edward de Bono

Memory(4)

Memory is what tells a man that his wife's birthday was yesterday. -Mario Rocco

Memory(5)

It's the Alzhiemers... if memory serves me...

Men(1)

Men are like bank accounts: Without money they don't generate much interest.

Men(2)

Some men are discovered; others are found out.

Men(3)

The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs. - Charles de Gaulle.

Mental

I am a mental tourist - my mind wanders

Mere

Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?

Message(1)

Message: Carrier organism for taglines.

Message(2)

Please tell me if you don't get this message...

Message(3)

This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.

Message(4)

This message is written with recycled letters.

Message(5)

Message brought to you by sufficient coffee ingestion.

Message(6)

This message has been brought to you by the language C and the number F.

Message(7)

This message is written with recycled letters.

Metaphysics(1)

Metaphysics: An elaborate, diagolical invention for mystifying what was clear, and confounding what was intelligible. -William E. Aytoun

Metaphysics(2)

Metaphysics is the attempt of the mind to rise above the mind. -Thomas Carlyle

Metaphysics(3)

Metaphysics: The art of bewildering oneself methodically.

Metaphysics(4)

Metaphysics consists of two parts, first, that which all men of sense already know, and second, that which they can never know. -Voltaire

Metric

I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.04801m pole!

Microsoft(1)

Microsoft manager to programmer: You start coding. I'll go find out what they want.

Microsoft(2)

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. 'No' is the answer!

Microsoft(3)

A computer without Microsoft is like a chocolate cake without mustard.

Microsoft(4)

A Microsoft Certified System Engineer is to information technology as a McDonalds Certified Food Specialist is to the culinary arts.

Microsoft(5)

Microsoft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate!!

Microwave

Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...

Middle(1)

Middle age: When your age starts to show at your middle. -Bob Hope

Middle(2)

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. -Ogden Nash

Middle(3)

Middle age is when a guy keeps turning off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons. -Eli Cass

Middle(4)

Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.

Middle(5)

Middle Age is that perplexing time of life when we hear two voices calling us, one saying, Why not? and the other, Why bother?

Mightier

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

Millionaires

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain

Mime

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Mind(1)

Never let your mind wander, it's too small to be left alone.

Mind(2)

It's mind over matter. You don't mind, it don't matter.

Mind(3)

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Mind(4)

My mind's not twisted... just bent in several strategic places.

Mind(5)

I have lost my mind, but it must be backed-up somewhere.

Mind(6)

The mind, like a parachute, functions best when open.

Mind(7)

It is not enough to have a good mind, the main thing is to use it well. -Rene Descartes

Mind(8)

One's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions. -Oliver Wendell Holmes

Mind(9)

Keep an open mind, not a blank one!

Mind(10)

The mind is like a TV set - when it goes blank, it's a good idea to turn off the sound.

Mind(11)

I have lost my mind, but it must be backed up somewhere.

Mind(12)

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's; she changes it more often...

Mind(13)

It is not enough to have a good mind; the main thing is to use it well. -Rene Descartes

Mind(14)

Confucius say: Girl with cleanest mind give dirtiest look.

Mind(15)

The mind is like a TV set - when it goes blank, it is a good idea to turn off the sound.

Mine

Ferengi Rules of Acquisition #090: Mine is better than ours.

Minds

Being able to read minds would be of limited value without the ability to also write minds, comsidering all the blank media out there. -Anthony de Boer

Minks

How do girls get minks? Same way minks get minks.

Miracle

The miracle is this: the more we share the more we have. -Leonard Nimoy

Miracles

Miracles are not contrary to nature, but only contrary to what we know about nature. -Saint Augustine

Mirror

Caution: Objects in mirror are more confused than they appear.

Misers

Misers make wonderful ancestors.

Miss(1)

Did you miss me dear? "Yes, but I'll keep shooting!"

Miss(2)

I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better...

Misconceptions

So many misconceptions, so little time.

Misspelled

Misspelled? Impossible. My modem is error correcting.

Mistake(1)

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. -Albert Einstein

Mistake(2)

Vila: 'I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life'
Orac: 'It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it'

Mistakes(1)

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Mistakes(2)

We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made. -Dan Quayle

Mistakes(3)

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. -Dr. Who

Mistakes(4)

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

Mistakes(5)

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Mistakes(6)

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. -Tallulah Bankhead

Mistrust

Mistrust all enterprises that require new clothes.

Mobius

Mobius strippers never show you their back side.

Modem(1)

I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walked.

Modem(2)

Modem pickup line: "Wow, you have a nice baud!"

Modem(3)

I modem, but they grew back.

Modest

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

Modesty

Modesty is a good bait when fishing for praise.

Monday

Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.

Money(1)

Money is the source of all wealth.

Money(2)

MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

Money(3)

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Money(4)

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. -Woody Allen

Money(5)

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Money(6)

Never marry for money. Ye'll borrow it cheaper. -Scottish proverb

Money(7)

When money talks, then truth is silent. -Russian proverb

Money(8)

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -Spike Milligan

Money(9)

Lack of money is the root of all evil. - George Bernard Shaw

Money(10)

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

Money(11)

MONEY not found: (A)bort, (R)efinance, (D)eclare bankruptcy?

Money(12)

MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL. Send me $20 for more info!

Money(13)

Money: A mint makes it first and we try to make it last.

Money(14)

The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.

Money(15)

Money can't buy love, but it can buy chocolate.

Money(16)

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. -Dorothy Parker

Monkey(1)

A wise monkey is a monkey who doesn't monkey with an other monkey's monkey.

Monkey(2)

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. -Robert Benchley

Monopolies

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

Monosyllablism

Don't use a big word when monosyllablism suffices. Eschew obfuscation!

Monsters

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he doesn't become a monster. -Friedrich Nietsche

Month

Too much month at the end of the money.

Morality(1)

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt to people we personally dislike. -Oscar Wilde

Morality(2)

Morality is relative... depending on your needs.

Morals

Morals for sale. Mint condition! Email billg@microsoft.com.

Morning(1)

The only drawback with morning is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.

Morning(2)

Every morning is the dawn of a new error..

Morse

I would imagine that if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. -Mitch Hedberg

Mosquito

The last mosquito that bit me had to book into the Betty Ford Clinic. -Absolutely Fabulous

Mother(1)

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. -Rita Rudner

Mother(2)

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. -Jay Leno

Motherboard

How many babies can a motherboard have?

Mothers

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own. -Aristotle

Motion

Never mistake motion for action. -Ernest Hemingway

Motives

If you disregard people's motives, it becomes much harder to foresee their actions. -George Orwell

Motorcycling

When motorcycling, never follow a pig truck.

Motto(1)

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Motto(2)

The motto should be: "It just Wroks." Then a few years later they can issue a patch.

Mouse(1)

You can't teach an old mouse new clicks

Mouse(2)

Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? [Y/N]

Mouse(3)

Error 44: Mouse conflict: Mickey and Minnie getting divorced.

Mouse(4)

Your mouse has moved. Reboot computer for changes to take effect.

Mouth(1)

Confucius say: One minute shut mouth worth one hour explanation.

Mouth(2)

What melts in the mouth bulges in the belly.

Move

As long as you do not move you can still choose any direction.

Movie

A movie should be as long as one can hold their bladder. -Alfred Hitchcock

Much

Where people are promissing much to you, bring a small bag. -Serbian proverb

Mud

Mud thrown is ground lost.

Multi

I'm multi-talented. I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Multiple

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Multitasking(1)

Multitasking: screw up several things at once.

Multitasking(2)

Start a download. Get a beer. Multitasking!

Murder

One of television's great contributions is that it brought murder back into the home, where it belongs. -Alfred Hitchcock

Museum

Give me a museum and I'll fill it. -Pablo Picasso

Music

If one plays good music, people don't listen and if one plays bad music people don't talk. -Oscar Wilde

Myself

If you ask me to play myself, I will not know what to do. I do not know who or what I am. -Peter Sellers

Myth

A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes.

Mythology

Mythology: Other people's religion.