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Pacifist

I am not only a pacifist but a militant pacifist. I am willing to fight for peace. Nothing will end war unless the people themselves refuse to go to war. -Albert Einstein

Pac-Man

If Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

Padding

What is the padding on these walls for?

Pain

That pain pill didn't work; I feel great!

Painting(1)

Painting, n: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic. -Ambrose Bierce

Painting(2)

Painting is easy when you don't know how, but very difficult when you do. -Edgar Degas

Panic

Panic now and avoid the rush!

Pants

To make pants last, make coat first.

Parachutes

Just because no one has complained doesn't mean parachutes are perfect.

Paranoia

Paranoia is not a problem - it's a normal response from experience.

Paranoid

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not watching you!

Paranoids

It's easy to criticize paranoids, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

Parents(1)

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. -Rodney Dangerfield

Parents(2)

My parents used to beat the shit out of me. And looking back on it, I'm glad they did. I'm looking forward to beating the shit out of my own kids, for no reason whatsoever. -D. Leary

Parenthesis

Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.

Parents

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. -Rodney Dangerfield

Participate

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get. -Homer Simpson

Party

Man who arrives at party two hours late will find he has been beaten to the punch.

Past

God cannot alter the past, though historians can. -Samuel Butler

Patience(1)

Patience, (n): A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

Patience(2)

Patience: A virtue that carries a lot of wait.

Path(1)

If my PATH gets any bigger, it's gonna be a FREEWAY!

Path(2)

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Path(3)

PATH=C:\DOS;C:\DOS\RUN;C:\WIN\CRASH\DOS;C:\ME\DEL\WIN

Patience(1)

I want more patience and I want it NOW!

Patience(2)

Patience: A surfer sitting in Walden Pond.

Patient

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. -Margaret Thatcher

Patriotism

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. - George Bernard Shaw

Pavlov

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Peace(1)

PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. -Ambrose Bierce

Peace(2)

Peace cannot be achieved by force, only by understanding. -Albert Einstein

Peace(3)

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. -Dwight D. Eisenhower

Peace(4)

Peace begins with a smile. -Mother Teresa

Peace(5)

Peace. (subject to change without notice)

Peaceful

We want peaceful relations, or we'll have to blow up your planet.

Pedestrians

There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.

Peers

Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.

Pen

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

Penny

A penny saved is a congressional oversight.

Penalty

The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life. Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat. - Albert Einstein

Pencils

Stock Exchange News: Pencils lost a few points.

Pentium(1)

I am Pentium of Borg. Accuracy is irrelevant. You will be approximated.

Pentium(2)

Pentium: Housing with central heating built in.

People(1)

The people should be treated like women. They should only be told what they want to hear. -Goethe

People(2)

There are two kinds of people in the world, those that think there are two kinds of people in the world, and those that know better.

Perfect(1)

If I was perfect, then you would be coming to my house to pray to me. -Jeffrey L. Keller

Perfect(2)

I know I'm not perfect but I can smile.

Perfect(3)

You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other. -Sean Maguire, Good Will Hunting

Perfection(1)

Perfection of means and confusion of goals seem, in my opinion, to characterize our age. -Albert Einstein

Perfection(2)

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. -Stanley J. Randall

Perforation

Perforation is a rip-off.

Person

If a person who indulges in gluttony is a glutton, and a person who commits a felony is a felon, then God is an iron. -Spider Robinson

Personally

Please take my comments personally, otherwise it looks like I hate the world.

Pessimist(1)

A pessimist will rarely, if ever, be disappointed.

Pessimist(2)

A pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.

Pessimists

Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!

Pharmaceutical

The pharmaceutical industry is the art of making billions from milligrams. -Gerhard Kocher

Philosopher(1)

Philosopher: One you never go to for advice. -Eugene E. Brussell

Philosopher(2)

Of what use is a philosopher who doesn't hurt anybody's feelings? -Diogenes the Cynic

Philosopher(3)

I have tried too in my time to be a philosopher, but, I don't know how, cheerfulness was always breaking in.

Philosopher(4)

Philosopher: One who formulates his prejudices and systematizes his ignorance. -Elbert Hubbard

Philosopher(5)

To be a real philosopher all that is necessary is to hate some one else's type of thinking. -William James

Philosopher(6)

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself while he is alive, to be talked about after he is dead.

Philosopher(7)

The philosopher proves that the philosopher exists. The poet merely enjoys existence. -Wallace Stevens

Philosopher(8)

Philosopher: One who always knows what to do until it happens to him.

Philosopher(9)

Even a philosopher gets upset with a toothache.

Philosophers(1)

When you can't do experiments, you have philosophers. It's like those guys over in the philosophy department who give the same exam questions every semester but change the answers.

Philosophers(2)

We're philosophers. We think, therefore we am.

Philosophers(3)

Philosophers: Adults who persist in asking childish questions. -Isiah Berlin

Philosophers(4)

Philosophers: People who talk about something they don't understand, and make you think it's your fault. -Voltaire

Philosophy(1)

Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.

Philosophy(2)

Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. -Ambrose Bierce

Philosophy(3)

There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker. -Charles Schultz

Philosophy(4)

Philosophy is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black hat which isn't there.

Philosophy(5)

Philosophy: Any systematic scheme of thought which allows you to be unhappy intelligently.

Phone(1)

I still want a phone with caller-IQ. -Tanuki in the monastry

Phone(2)

I don't do phone sex anymore. I might get hearing AIDS.

Phonetically

Why isn't phonetically spelled that way?

Photons

Photons have mass? - I didn't even know they were Catholic.

Physicist

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Pi

In Alaska, where it gets very cold, pi is only 3.00. As you know, everything shrinks in the cold. They call it Eskimo pi.

Pick

Bug free, cheap, or on time. Pick two.

Picketing

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. -Mitch Hedberg

Pick-pockets

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. -Rodney Dangerfield

Pie

To make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.

Pig

Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

Pigeon

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

Pigs(1)

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them as they fly overhead.

Pigs(2)

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. - Winston Churchill

Pillage

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Pin

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

Pin

Okay, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going?

Pings

Good pings come in small packets.

Piracy

If piracy is theft, lawsuits are armed robbery.

Piss

Don't piss me off - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Pithy

I pithy in your general direction!

Pity

Pity for the guilty is treason to the innocent. - Ayn Rand

Places

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to quit going to those places. Henry Youngman

Plagiarism

Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.

Plan(1)

I have a cunning plan...

Plan(2)

An imperfect plan executed violently is far superior to a perfect plan. -George Patton.

Plan(3)

Here's the plan, I'm going in there & start hitting people real hard. We'll see where that takes us.

Plough

You can't plough a field by turning it over in your mind.

PMS(1)

PMS: Possessed Monthly by Satan.

PMS(2)

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Poast

Nothing like following up a mis-spelt poast with another mis-spelt poast. And top-poasted, too.

Poetess

Being called a poetess brings out the terroristress in me.

Poetry

Poetry is what gets lost in translation. -Robert Frost

Point

The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as to seem not worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it. -Bertrand Russell

Polaroid

Polaroid: What Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long.

Police

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. -Dennis Miller

Polite

Do you want polite or do you want sincere?

Politeness

Politeness is not sold in the bazaar. -Azerbaijani proverb

Politicians

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. -Henry A. Kissinger

Politics(1)

Poetry builds a truth out of many small lies. Politics builds a lie out of many small truths.

Politics(2)

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies. -Groucho Marx

Politics(3)

War is a continuation of politics by other means. -Karl von Clausewitz

Politics(4)

Politics: poli (many) + tics (bloodsuckers).

Politics(5)

Politics is a pendulum whose swings between anarchy and tyranny are fuelled by perpetually rejuvenated illusions. - Albert Einstein

Politics(6)

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher

Politics(7)

Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

Pollution

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. -Former U.S. Vice President, Dan Quayle

Poor(1)

I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with. -Rodney Dangerfield

Poor(2)

The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.

Poor(3)

When the rich think about the poor, the have poor ideas. -Evita Peron

Popular

Everything popular is wrong. -Oscar Wilde

Portable

Portable: Survives system reboot.

Positive

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, but then I thought: What good would that do?

Possessed

Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS

Possible

Unnamed law: If it happens, it must be possible.

Post(1)

I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day.

Post(2)

Type CTRL-ALT-DEL to post message...

Posting

This posting is provided "AS IS" with no warranties, and confers no rights.

Poverty(1)

I have taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me send me money.

Poverty(2)

The poverty from which I have suffered could be diagnosed as "Soho" poverty. It comes from having the airs and graces of a genius and no talent. -Quentin Crisp

Powdered

Powdered water -- just add ... er ... hmm ...

Power(1)

Knowledge may be power, but communications is the key.

Power(2)

The greatest power is often simple patience. -Eli Joseph Cossman

Power(3)

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

Power(4)

Power is the ability not to have to please.

Power(5)

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.

Powerful(1)

The most powerful force in the universe is compound interest. -Albert Einstein

Powerful(2)

Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't. -Margaret Thatcher

Powers

Our scientific powers have outrun our spiritual powers; we have guided missiles and misguided men. -Martin Luther King

PPP

PPP: Pay Provider Perpetually

Practice(1)

An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching. -Mohandas Gandhi

Practice(2)

If practice makes perfect, and no one is perfect, then why practice?

Prayer

Prayer has no place in the public schools, just like facts have no place in organized religion. -Superintendent Chalmers

Preceding

The preceding post may have contained foul language, and should not have been read by young children.

Precinct

Precinct toilets stolen! Police have nothing to go on.

Predestination(1)

The theory of predestination was doomed from the start.

Predestination(2)

The theory of predestination was doomed from the start.

Predict(1)

Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge. -Lao Tzu, 6th century B.C.

Predict(2)

The best way to predict your future is to create it.

Prediction

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. -Niels Bohr

Predictions

I don't make predictions. I never have and I never will. -Tony Blair

Prefer(1)

I prefer to remain anomalous.

Prefer(2)

I prefer to think of them as the Ten Suggestions.

Pregnancy

Researchers at John Hopkins have pinpointed the main cause of teenage pregnancy. It's called a 'date'.

Prejudice(1)

I'm interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice. -Clint Eastwood

Prejudice(2)

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. -W.C. Fields

Premarital

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

Premise

A basic premise is an absolute that permits no co-operation with its antithesis and tolerates no tolerance. -Hugh Akston

Preparation

Some people are making such thorough preparation for rainy days that they aren't enjoying today's sunshine. -William Feather

Preposition

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. - Winston Churchill

President(1)

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. -Clarence Darrow

President(2)

The president is going to lead us out of this recovery. -Dan Quayle

Press

Press CTRL-ALT-INS-DEL-END-HOME-SHIFT-PAUSE to continue.

Press-ups

Nude press-ups are to be avoided by a man who has set a mouse trap.

Pressure

No pressure, no diamonds. -Thomas Carlyle

Pretend

I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.

Price(1)

Price is not an issue if you can afford the payments.

Price(2)

The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. -Henry David Thoreau

Primary

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

Prime(1)

Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\

Prime(2)

ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.

Principle

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool. -Richard Feynman

Principles(1)

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. - Alfred Adler

Principles(2)

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them ... well, I have others. -Groucho Marx

Print

What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.

Printer(1)

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. -Dave Barry

Printer(2)

Printer paper is strongest at the perforation...

Prisoner

Help! I'm a prisoner in a tagline factory!

Probabilities

All probabilities are 50%. It happens or it doesn't.

Problem(1)

Let me be clear about this. I don't have a drug problem. I have a police problem. -Keith Richards

Problem(2)

I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. -Dan Quayle

Problem(3)

This problem was sponsored by Microsoft.

Problem(4)

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Problem(5)

No problem is so big that it can't be ignored.

Problems(1)

Why solve problems you can bypass with a GOTO?

Problems(2)

Smart men solve problems, wise men avoid them.

Problems(3)

Do not try to solve all life's problems at once: learn to dread each day as it comes.

Problems(4)

Problems are the price you pay for progress. -Branch Rickey

Procrastinate(1)

Procastinate later.

Procrastinate(2)

I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.

Procrastinate(3)

Procrastinate now!

Procrastination(1)

It's not procrastination - it's a higher form of planning.

Procrastination(2)

Procrastination will rule one day, O.K.?

Productivity

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

Profanity

Profanity: The universal programming language.

Professional

An amateur practices until he gets it right. A professional practices until she can't get it wrong.

Program(1)

Every huge program has a small program trying to get out.

Program(2)

Always program as if the person who will be maintaining your program is a violent psychopath that knows where you live. -Martin Golding

Program(3)

If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.

Program(4)

Kingdom.com is a program from Thy Software.

Program(5)

Program: a device used to convert data into error messages.

Programmer(1)

Being married to a programmer is like having a cat. You talk to it, but you're never really sure if it hears you, much less comprehends what you say.

Programmer(2)

Programmer: One who is too lacking in people skills to be a software engineer.

Programmer(3)

Did you hear about the programmer who died while washing his hair? The instructions said: 'Lather, rinse, repeat.'

Programmers(1)

Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Programmers(2)

Real programmers don't change light bulbs.

Programmers(3)

Programmers get overlaid.

Programmers(4)

If engineers built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

Programmers(5)

Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE

Programmers(6)

Programmers never die; they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Programmers(7)

Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.

Programming(1)

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to build bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. -Rich Cook

Programming(2)

How's my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL.

Programming(3)

Programming is an art form that fights back.

Programs

There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.

Progress

Progress (n.): The process through which Usenet has evolved from smart people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of smart terminals.

Prohibition

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. -W.C. Fields

Project(1)

Never start a project until you've picked out someone to blame.

Project(2)

How does a project get to be a year behind schedule? One day at a time. -Fred Brooks

Promises

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? -Jack Handey

Proof

The ultimate proof of life on other planets is that they have all refused to make contact with us. -Bart Simpson

Proofread

Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Propel

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

Proper(1)

Proper prior planning prevents poor performance.

Proper(2)

The proper method of philosophy consists in clearly conceiving the insoluble problems in all their insolubility and then in simply contemplating them, fixedly and tirelessly, year after year, without any hope, patiently waiting. -Simone Weil

Prophesy

I always avoid prophesying beforehand, because it is a much better policy to prophesy after the event has already taken place. - Sir Winston Churchill

Prosperity(1)

Prosperity will have its seasons. Even when it's here, it's going by. And when it's gone we pretend we know the reasons. And all the roots grow deeper when it's dry. -David Wilcox, "All The Roots Grow Deeper When It's Dry"

Prosperity(2)

A tagline's prosperity lies in its ability to be short and witty.

Prosperity(3)

Prosperity begets friends; adversity proves them.

Prosperity(4)

Prosperity is the best protector of principle. -Mark Twain

Proverb

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

Prune(1)

No matter how young a prune is, it's always full of wrinkles.

Prune(2)

Eat a prune and start a movement.

Prunes

Prunes give you a run for your money.

Psychiatrist(1)

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

Psychiatrist(2)

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.

Psychiatrists

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.

Psychiatry

Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it. -Alfred Hitchcock

Psychic(1)

Psychic wanted. Qualified persons know where to apply.

Psychic(2)

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

Psychic(3)

Psychic Convention cancelled due to unforeseen problems.

Psychoceramics

Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.

Psychokinesis

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Psychology(1)

Psychology: the study if the id by the odd.

Psychology(2)

Psychology: The art of turning stupidity into illness.

Psychos

Movies don't create psychos, movies make psychos like ME more creative!

Public

There is no such thing as public opinion. There is only published opinion. -Winston Churchill

Punctual

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -Franklin P. Jones

Punctuality

Punctuality means arriving at work before the boss.

Punish(1)

But thus do I counsel you, my friends: distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful! -Friedrich Nietsche

Punish(2)

When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.

Puritanism

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Purpose(1)

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Purpose(2)

The purpose of war is to support your government's decisions by force. -Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Push(1)

If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.

Push(2)

"Push to test." "Release to detonate."

Pyromaniacs

Pyromaniacs of the world... Ignite!