Sigs

Sigs: C

C(1)

If it wasn't for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL and OBOL!

C(2)

C program run. C program crash. C programmer cry.

C++

The last good thing written in C++ was the Pachelbel Canon. -Jerry Olson

Cactus

If you drop a cactus, don't try to catch it!

Calf

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen

California(1)

I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. -Dan Quayle

California(2)

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. -Fred Allen

Call

Your call will be answered in the order it was ignored.

Calm

Calm down - it's only ones and zeroes.

Camel(1)

Camel: Horse designed by committee.

Camel(2)

When you've seen one camel driver, you've seen Ahmal.

Camel(3)

A camel makes an elephant feel like a jet plane. -Jackie Kennedy

Camels(1)

9 out of 10 men who tried camels prefer women.

Camels(2)

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. -Joe E. Lewis

Camping

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. -Dave Barry

Can

I can, therefore I am. -Simone Weil

Candle

Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.

Cannibal

Cannibal: One who gets fed up with people.

Capital

Tech Support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Capitalism

Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone. - Keynes

Capricorn

CAPRICORN: The stars say you're an exiting and wonderful person... but you know they're lying. If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never leave my house again. -Weird Al

Capslock

hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?

Career

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Car(1)

I want a car the color of dirt.

Car(2)

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

Car(3)

Never buy a car you can't push.

Car(4)

How would a car function if it were designed like a computer? Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine, and the airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. -Katie Hafner

Card(1)

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Card(2)

The American Express Card of Borg. Don't Assimilate without it.

Care(1)

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

Care(2)

If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Care(3)

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Care(4)

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.

Care(5)

I couldn't care less about apathy.

Careful(1)

A man is usually more careful of his money than he is of his principles. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Careful(2)

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun. -Homer Simpson

Careful(3)

Careful. We don't want to learn from this.

Carrier

Drop your carrier... we have you surrounded!

Carrots

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up. -Mitch Hedberg

Cartoon

I saw it in a cartoon, but I'm pretty sure I can do it.

Cat(1)

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

Cat(2)

Curiosity killed the cat. Passing interest only injured him.

Cat(3)

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat. -Mark Twain

Cat(4)

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull this tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. -Albert Einstein

Cat(5)

The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.

Cat(6)

What did you do to the cat? It looks half-dead. -Schroedinger's wife

Cat(7)

I just spent four hours burying the cat. ... it wouldn't keep still.

Cat(8)

Cat: Furry keyboard cover.

Cat(9)

Cat game number 5. Fit into the smallest space possible.

Catholic

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by resorting to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. -H.L. Mencken

Cats(1)

People that hate cats were mice in a former life.

Cats(2)

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotton this.

Cats(3)

Dogs come when they're called. Cats take a message and get back to you later. -Mary Bly

Cats(4)

Cats - the other white meat.

Cats(5)

So many cats. So few recipes.

Cats(6)

Radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives.

Cats(7)

I love cats... they taste just like chicken.

Cats(8)

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer. -Paula Poundstone

Cats(9)

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. -Missy Dizick

Cats(10)

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. -Garrison Keillor

Cause(1)

At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid. -Friedrich Nietsche

Cause(2)

The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments. -Friedrich Nietsche

Caution(1)

CAUTION: Dangerous and off Medication...

Caution(2)

Caution: This tagline stops for page breaks.

Celebrity

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault. -Henry Kissinger

Censored

This sig censored by the Office of Home and Land Insecurity.

Censorship(1)

The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it. -John Gilmore

Censorship(2)

The worst thing about censorship is <<CENSORED>>...

Cereal

Breakfast.sys halted - Cereal port not responding.

Certain(1)

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. -Bertrand Russel

Certain(2)

Three things are certain: death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred...

Certainty

To teach how to live without certainty and yet without being paralysed by hesitation is perhaps the chief thing that philosophy, in our age, can do for those who study it. -Bertrand Russell

Chance

You don't get a second chance to make a first impression.

Change(1)

Change is inevitable, progress is not.

Change(2)

You must be the change you wish to see in the world. -Gandhi

Change(3)

If you don't change your life today... tomorrow will be the same as yesterday!

Change(4)

Change is inevitable. Progress is optional.

Change(5)

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Change(6)

Change before you have to. -Jack Welch

Change(7)

Change politicians and diapers often -- for the same reason.

Change(8)

Nothing endures but change

Change(9)

Most woman set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. -Marlene Dietrich

Change(10)

The world hates change, yet it is the only thing that has brought progress. - Charles Kettering

Charity

Charity begins at home, and mostly ends where it begins.

Charming

I'm charming, but I dip into the Prozac now and then. -Jim Carrey

Chasm

Do Not Attempt to Traverse a Chasm in Two Leaps.

Chastity

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Cheap

A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

Cheese

Cheese: Milk's leap toward immortality. -Clifton Fadiman

Check(1)

Who cashed my reality check?

Check(2)

Pardon me while I check with God.

Checkers

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. -Dennis Miller

Chemicals

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. -Dave Barry

Chemistry

Chemistry is fun. It's a lot like witchcraft, only less newt. -Willow in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Chess(1)

Chess champion blames stalemate for divorce.

Chess(2)

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. -Woody Allen

Chewing

Some days, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps to get out of bed in the morning.

Chicken(1)

If you prick me, do I not bleed? If you eat me, do I not taste of chicken?

Chicken(2)

The chicken crossed the road to lay in the sunshine.

Chicken(3)

The chicken crossed the road to watch the builders laying bricks.

Child

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. -Groucho Marx

Childhood

It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

Childproofed

I recently childproofed my house, but somehow they still keep getting in.

Children(1)

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. -Phyllis Diller

Children(2)

All women should know how to take care of children. Most of them will have a husband some day. -Franklin P. Jones

Children(3)

Dear, do you think we should tell the children when we move?

Children(4)

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. -P.J. O'Rourke

Children(5)

Children are a renewable resource. They can be created cheaply by an unskilled, untrained work force; and the lack of workmanship shows in many cases. -Marten Kemp

Children(6)

Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Chips(1)

When the chips are down the computer won't work.

Chips(2)

Computer chips are small because computers don't eat much.

Chips(3)

Are RAM chips better than EWE chips?

Choice(1)

What really interests me is whether God had any choice in the creation of the world. -Albert Einstein

Choice(2)

I have no choice but to believe in free will. -Randy Wayne White

Christ

I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike Christ. -Mohandas Gandhi

Christianity

In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point. -Friedrich Nietsche

Christmas

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not to be a child. -Erma Bombeck

Church(1)

The Christian church, in its attitude toward science, shows the mind of a more or less enlightened man of the Thirteenth Century. It no longer believes that the earth is flat, but it is still convinced that prayer can cure after medicine fails. -H.L. Mencken

Church(2)

Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to the garage makes you a car.

Church(3)

Every day people are straying away from the church and are going back to God. -Lenny Bruce

Church(4)

The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion. - Fred Allen

Cigarettes

Cigarettes are killers that travel in packs.

Circular

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

City

A great city is not to be confounded with a populous one. -Aristotle

Civilian

What were you in civilian life? "HAPPY, SIR!"

Clap

Clap on <clap><clap>Clap off<clap><clap>NO CARRIER

Clear

On a clear disk you can seek forever.

Cleavage

Looking at a cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away. -Seinfeld

Cliches

Avoid cliches like the plague; they're a dime a dozen.

Cliff

Confucius say: Man who leaps off cliff, jumps to conclusion.

Climate

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. -Mark Twain

Climbing

"Live to lie about it." — Lowrey's first law of climbing

Clock(1)

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Clock(2)

A clock is an instrument to deliver time in chronological order.

Clod

Any clod can have the facts - having opinions is an art.

Close(1)

Close your eyes and press escape three times...

Close(2)

I came real close to seeing Elvis once, but my shovel broke.

Clothes

Always keep clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.

Clusters

... going where no clusters have gone before.

COBOL(1)

Remember: COBOL can be cured if detected early.

C.O.B.O.L.(2)

C.O.B.O.L. - Completely Obsolete Boring Old Language.

Cocaine(1)

I'm not addicted to cocaine... I just like the way it smells. -Richard Pryor

Cocaine(2)

Cocaine addiction is God's way of saying you make too much money. -Robin Williams

Code(1)

Downsizing the code?!? Don't you have DOUBLESPACE?!?

Code(2)

C code. C code run. Run code, run. Please?

Coffee(1)

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, cafeine, sugar, and fat. -Alex Levine

Coffee(2)

Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet as love. -Turkish proverb

Coffee(3)

Get me some coffee and then ask me in ten minutes.

Cogito

Cogito, ergo Hormel ... I think, therefore I Spam.

Collaboration

Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better. -Andre Gide

College

Those who go to college and never get out are called professors.

Colour

Colour is a pigment of your imagination.

Comedians

Comedians of the world unite - you have nothing to lose but your gags.

Comedy

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. -Peter Ustinov

Commas

The gratuitous, usage, of, commas, is, really really really annoying, to, read.

Commercially

The best thing commercially, which is the worst artistically, by and large, is the most successful. -Orson Welles

Comet

Comet smashes Jupiter! Congress and President blame each other!

Command

Command, n: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.

Commitment

I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm monogamously challenged!

Committee(1)

Committee: A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Committee(2)

To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent.

Common(1)

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by the age 18. -Albert Einstein

Common(2)

On this team, we're all united on a common goal, to keep my job. -Lou Holtz

Communication(1)

Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after. -Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Communication(2)

The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said. -Peter F. Drucker

Communication(3)

The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.

Communist

A communist is someone who reads Marx and Lenin. An anti-communist is someone who understands Marx and Lenin.

Compatible

Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.

Compatibles

PC Compatibles aren't.

Compiled

It compiled, first screen came up?? Ship it!

Complain

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily. -in a hotel in Athens

Complaints

Complaints? Write them here legibly []<-

Complete

I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.

Complexes

A man should not strive to eliminate his complexes but to get into accord with them: they are legitimately what directs his conduct in the world. -Sigmund Freud

Complexity

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

Computer(1)

You know you've spent too much time on the computer when you spill milk and the first thing you think is 'edit, undo.'

Computer(2)

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Computer(3)

I'm in the computer business - I make Out-of-Order signs.

Computer(4)

Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light.

Computer(5)

A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. -Joseph Campbell

Computer(6)

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -Weisert

Computers(1)

Computers are like airconditioning, once you open windows they are useless.

Computers(2)

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -Asimov

Computers(3)

Computers will help us to solve problems we wouldn't have without them.

Computers(4)

Don't anthropomorphize computers. They don't like it.

Computers(5)

Computers don't laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

Computers(6)

Computers have made possible a thousand mistakes every second.

Computers(7)

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction. -Janet Reno

Computers(8)

If it weren't for computers we'd probably be in bed at a decent hour.

Computers(9)

Computers rule 01001111 01001011

Conclusion

A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking. -Arthur Bloch

Condemning

I'm not saying that the religious right is wrong for condemning homosexuals and terrorizing them for thousands of years. I'm just saying... FUUUUCK YOU. -Christina Applegate

Condom

I've seen condom vending machines, but this one installs.

Conferences

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

Confidence

It is a great confidence in a friend to tell him your faults; greater to tell him his. -Benjamin Franklin

Confused

I'm not confused; I'm between paradigms.

Confusion

I never add to the confusion, I just enhance it.

Congress(1)

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses. -Victor Hugo

Congress(2)

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

Congress(3)

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?

Congress(4)

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke. -Will Rogers

Confused

Anyone who isn't confused doesn't really know what's going on.

Conquer

To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. -Bertrand Russell

Conscience(1)

The man with a clear conscience probably has a poor memory.

Conscience(2)

Conscience is the little thing that tells you someone is sure to find out.

Conscience(3)

Conscience: Something that feels terrible when every thing else feels swell.

Conscience(4)

A conscience is what hurts when all other parts feel so good.

Consciousness

Consciousness: that annoying period between naps.

Conservative(1)

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk forward. -Franklin D. Roosevelt

Conservative(2)

Conservative: A liberal who just got mugged.

Conservatives(1)

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives. -John Stuart Mill.

Conservatives(2)

Yes, with its tolerant society, low crime rate, and free health care, Canada is hell on earth for conservatives. -Samantha Bee: The Daily Show

Consistency

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.

Constant(1)

One man's constant is another man's variable. - Perlis

Constant(2)

Constant change is here to stay.

Constipated

98% of all constipated people don't give crap.

Consultant

A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.

Consultants

Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.

Consulting

Consulting: If you're not part of the solution, there's money to be made by prolonging the problem.

Consumer

The consumer isn't a moron, she is your wife. -David Ogilvy

Contain

I tried to contain myself, but I escaped.

Continue

Hit any user to continue.

Control(1)

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough. -Mario Andretti

Control(2)

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

Control(3)

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

Convince

If you can't convince them, confuse them. -Harry S. Truman

Cool

I'm not a cool person in real life, but I play one on the Internet. -Galley

Copy

Sure I know how to copy disks. Where's the Xerox machine?

Corner

I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk

Corrupt

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. -Friedrich Nietsche

Cost

The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and add ten percent.

Cough

For a bad cough, take a strong laxative: you won't DARE cough!

Country

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. -Steven Wright

Courage(1)

Courage without conscience is a wild beast. -Robert G. Ingersoll

Courage(2)

Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it. -Mark Twain.

Courage(3)

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death. -Harold Wilson

Courage(4)

A great part of courage is the courage of having done the thing before. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Cover

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Covers

I do note with interest that old woman in my books become young women on the covers... this is discrimination against the chronologically gifted. -Terry Pratchett.

Cow

My cow died so I don't need your bull anymore!

Coward(1)

It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life.

Coward(2)

Better a coward for a minute than dead forever.

Cows(1)

Stock Exchange News: Cows steered into a bull market.

Cows(2)

When cows laugh, does milk come out their noses?

Craftmanship

Nothing says poor craftmanship more than wrinkled duct tape.

Crap

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

Crappy

The problem is not that we make crappy products. The problem is that people buy our crappy products.

Crazy

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. -Rodney Dangerfield

Creativity(1)

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. -Albert Einstein

Creativity(2)

Creativity is the subtle theft of another's ideas. -Jim Oblak

Creativity(3)

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Creativity(4)

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. -Scott Adams

Creature

Man is the only creature that refuses to be what he is. - Albert Camus

Creditors

Creditors have much better memories than debtors.

Crime

Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

Crisis

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. -Henry A. Kissinger

Critic

A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car. -Kenneth Tynan

Criticism

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. -Elbert Hubbard

Criticize

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

Critics

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. - Brendan Behan

Crook

I'm not a crook; I'm 'ethically challenged."

Crossroads

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. - Woody Allen

Cruel

And whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word lisp?

Cry

A real man doesn't cry. He whines.

Cult

A cult is a religion with no political power.

Cup

Coffee.Exe Missing - Insert Cup And Press Any Key.

Cure(1)

Is there an imaginary cure for hypochondria?

Cure(2)

There is still no cure for the common birthday. -John Glenn

Cure(3)

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. -Spike Milligan

Curiosity(1)

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. -Albert Einstein

Curiosity(2)

Curiosity skilled the cat.

Curiosity(3)

Curiosity? Nah, I got that cat with the mower.

Curiosity(4)

Curiosity may have killed Schrodinger's cat.

Cursor

The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.

Customer

Customer: I'm running Windows '98.
Tech: Yes.
Customer: My computer isn't working now.
Tech: Yes, you said that.

Cute

Cute lamb sucks two ewes. -Serbian proverb

Cyberspace(1)

Abandon all hope ye who have entered cyberspace.

Cyberspace(2)

Cyberspace can be like a black hole. Stuff gets sucked in, never seen again.

Cyberspace(3)

Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as "Virusses," "Worms," "Trojan Horses," and "licensed Microsoft software" that can take over your computer and render it useless. -Dave Barry

Cynical

Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack. -George S. Patton