Sigs

Sigs: A

AAAAA

AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse.

Ability

Ability is a poor man's wealth. -John Wooden

Abbreviation

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ablaze

Life is ablaze, and you're right there in the flames.

Abort(1)

Abort: To correct a misconception.

Abort(2)

(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)oss computer across room?

Abort(3)

(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...

Abort(4)

A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?

Abort(5)

(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)mack the frigging thing...

Abortion(1)

Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born. -Ronald Reagan

Abortion(2)

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? -George Carlin

Absence

Absence - that common cure of love. -Lord Byron

Abstract(1)

Abstract Art: A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewilderd. -Albert Camus

Abstract(2)

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. -Steven Wright

Abuse(1)

I don't like abuse, but I'm very good at it.

Abuse(2)

Avoid alcohol abuse. Be careful with that beer!

Access

ALT-H gives you SysOp access!

Accidents

Accidents cause people.

Accomplishment

It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things. -Leonardo da Vinci

Accurate(1)

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate -- the bombs always hit the ground.

Accurate(2)

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Aces

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces every time.

Acid(1)

There are three side effects of acid: enhanced long-term memory, decreased short-term memory, and I forget the third. -Timothy Leary

Acid(2)

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take prozac to make it normal.

Acquisition

Ferengi Rules Of Acquisition #084 : A friend is not a friend if he asks for a discount.

Action(1)

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Action(2)

Action expresses priorities. -Mohandas Gandhi

Action(3)

Action is the foundational key to all success. -Pablo Picasso

Acting

Acting: The art of keeping the audience from coughing.

Ad

Microsoft's next ad campaign: "Sympathy for the Devil."

Adam(1)

...and Adam asked,"What's a Headache?"

Adam(2)

Adam was Eve's mother.

Adjust

Do not adjust your mind - the fault is with reality.

Adjusted

A well-adjusted person is one who can make the same mistake twice without getting nervous.

Adults

Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.

Administration

Compared to system administration, being cursed is a step up. -Paul Tomko

Admiral

Star Fleet Admiral Q @ your service!

Adult

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Adultry

Thou shalt not admit adultry.

Advantage

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends everyday.

Advertising(1)

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. -Fred Allen

Advertising(2)

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need. -Will Rogers

Advice(1)

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde

Advice(2)

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

Advice(3)

Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice which will recommend that they do what they want to do.

Advice(4)

My advice to you is to get married: If you find a good wife, you will be happy; if not, you will become a philosopher.

Advocates

It has always been the policy of the advocates of error, when unable to sustain themselves by sophistry, specious reasoning and false logic, to stigmatize the advocates of truth.

Afraid

My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. -Rodney Dangerfield

Afterlife

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife. - Douglas Adams

Afternoon

Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

Again

I say again, "I am NOT redundant!"

Against

I have nothing against MS-DOS, stone knives, or bearskins.

Age(1)

Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Age(2)

The appropiate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men. -Aristotle

Age(3)

Like many women my age, I am 28 years old. -Mary Schmich

Age(4)

If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred. -George Burns

Age(5)

At what age do you think Baby's First Electrodes are a suitable gift? -Hester Duffy

Agnostic

There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he really doesn't know what he believes in. -Monty Python

Agree(1)

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. -Oscar Wilde

Agree(2)

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.

Agreement

There is nothing more likely to start disagreement among people or countries than an agreement. -E.B. White

AIDS

AIDS is just a virus. Politicians are the punishment from God.

Air

Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.

Airbus

The new Airbus plane, the A380, is capable of holding 800 passengers. Or, 400 Americans. -Jon Stewart: The Daily Show

Alarm(1)

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

Alarm(2)

Alarm clock: A device to wake people without small kids.

Alcohol(1)

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Alcohol(2)

Alcohol is a very necessary article. It makes life bearable to millions of people who could not endure their existence if they were quite sober. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning. - George Bernard Shaw

Alcohol(3)

Somebody must have put alcohol in our liquor. - Louis Armstrong

Alcohol(4)

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. -Homer Simpson

Alcoholic

An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

Alert(1)

Cat: Forget red - let's go all the way up to brown alert!
Kryten: There's no such thing as a brown alert sir.
Cat: You won't be saying that in a minute!

Alert(2)

Be alert! The world needs more lerts...

Alimony

Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.

All(1)

When all else fails, read the instructions.

All(2)

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

All(3)

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Alone(1)

Schizophrenics are never alone.

Alone(2)

You're never alone with a clone.

Alone(3)

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. -Emo Philips

Alphabetically

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. -Casey Stengel

Alter

God cannot alter the past, though historians can. -Samuel Butler

Always

Always think twice. Then take a nap.

Amateur

I used to be an amateur crastinator, but I turned pro years ago.

Amateurs

Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Ambiguity(1)

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Ambiguity(2)

The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood. -Alexander Haig

Ambition

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

America(1)

America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. -John Barrymore

America(2)

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. - Oscar Wilde

American(1)

The key to understanding the American system is to imagine that you have the power to make nearly any law you want. But your worst enemy will be the one to enforce it. -Rick Cook

American(2)

We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. -Dan Quayle

Americans(1)

Americans always try to do the right thing after they've tried everything else. -Winston Churchill

Americans(2)

You have to be sure that the Americans will commit all the stupidities they can think of, plus some that are beyond imagination. -Charles De Gaulle

Amnesiac

A psychic amnesiac knows in advance what he'll forget.

Amount

The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the pavement is precisely one bananosecond.

Anal

We put the "anal" in analysis. -The Daily Show

Analog

The world's an analog stage -- digital circuits play only bit parts.

Anarchism(1)

Anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. - George Bernard Shaw

Anarchism(2)

Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others. - Edward Abbey

Anarchy(1)

Anarchy, n. Other peoples' freedom.

Anarchy(2)

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

And

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

Androids

Do androids dream of electric sheep?

Angels

If men were angels, no government would be necessary. -James Madison

Animal

Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. -'The Notebook of Lazarus Long' -Robert Heinlein

Animals(1)

I love animals. They're delicious.

Animals(2)

Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?
Ace Ventura: if it gets cold enough.

Anonymous

Anonymus is a dead computer from the property room or grey area pawn shop that is attached to a random connection at a large apt. complex that you don't live in connected to the internet by an old account that isn't yours.

Another(1)

Another megabytes the dust.

Another(2)

Is there another word for synonym?

Answer(1)

There's an answer to every problem. Sometimes it's "No".

Answer(2)

The best way to get the right answer on usenet is to post the wrong one.

Answer(3)

Never answer an anonymous letter.

Answers

All answers questioned here.

Antagonisms

Seeing a murder on television can... help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. -Alfred Hitchcock

Antonym

Antonym: The opposite of the word you're searching for.

Any(1)

What may be done at any time will be done at no time. -Scottish proverb

Any(2)

Press any key... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!

Anyone(1)

In this country anyone can grow up to be President. That's the risk you take. -Adlai Stevenson

Anyone(2)

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. -Samuel Goldwyn

Apathy(1)

I'm neither for nor against apathy.

Apathy(2)

I don't know what apathy is, nor do I care!

Apathy(3)

APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.

Apology

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Appeaser

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile--hoping it will eat him last. - Sir Winston Churchill

Apple(1)

Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton was the one who asked why. -Bernard Baruch

Apple(2)

An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away.

Apple(3)

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, an onion keeps everyone away.

Apple(4)

"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.

Application

Application has reported a 'Not My Fault' in module KRNL386.EXE

Appreciate

I appreciate your not breathing while I smoke.

Aptenodytes

Carpe Aptenodytes! (Pluck the Penguins!)

Archaeologist(1)

Archaeologist: Person whose career lies in ruins.

Archaeologist(2)

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interesred he is in her. -Agatha Christie

Argument(1)

You wanted an argument? Oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse. You want room K5, just along the corridor. Stupid git. -Monty Python.

Argument(2)

Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.

Argument(3)

The best way I know of to win an argument is to start by being in the right. -Lord Hailsham

Argument(4)

Do not mistake an intelligent argument for a correct argument.

Aristotle

Aristotle could have avoided the mistake of thinking that women have fewer teeth than men by the simple device of asking Mrs. Aristotle to keep her mouth open while he counted. -Bertrand Russell

Arm

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.

Armed

An armed society... is a POLITE society!

Army

Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

Arrogant

I may sound arrogant at times, but that's only because I'm always right.

Art(1)

Erotic art is best interpreted as a Cupid stunt.

Art(2)

Writing about art is like dancing about architecture.

Art(3)

Art is a revolt against fate. -Andre Malraux

Art(4)

"That's not art," the critic said abstractly.

Art(5)

We have art in order not to die of the truth. -Friedrich Nietsche

Art(6)

Art is made to disturb, science reassures. -Georges Braque

Art(7)

Art for art's sake is a philosophy of the well-fed. -Frank Lloyd Wright

Artificial(1)

Artificial Intelligence: The other guy's opinion.

Artificial(2)

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Artist(1)

An artist is forced by others to paint out of his own free will. -Willem De Kooning

Artist(2)

Every artist was first an amateur. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Artist(3)

I'm not a professional, I'm an artist.

Artist(4)

Graphic Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment.

Artist(5)

Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up. -Pablo Picasso

Artist(6)

I am an artist ... I am here to live out loud. -Emile Zola

Artists

Immature artists imitate. Mature artists steal. -Lionel Trilling

ASCII

ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.

Ask

Do not ask what the Government can do for you. Ask why it doesn't. -Gerhard Kocher

Asno

"Mi asno querría un enano y un yate, por favor."
[My donkey would like a midget and a yacht, please.]

Assembler

Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator

Assembly

Some assembly required - like the WHOLE thing.

Associate

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. -Fred Allen

Assumption

Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.

Atheism(1)

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Atheism(2)

Calling atheism a religion is like calling bald a hair color.

Atheist

Atheist: a person with no invisible means of support.

Atheists

Atheists have nobody to yell to during orgasm.

Atomic

In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal.

Attention(1)

Shh! I have to use my incomplete, divided attention here.

Attention(2)

Don't pay any attention to what they write about you, just measure it in inches. -Andy Warhol

Attention(3)

Pay attention to your enemies for they are the first to discover your mistakes. -Antisthenes

Attitude(1)

I don't have an attitude problem: you have a perception problem!

Attitude(2)

I don't need your attitude, I have one of my own!

Attitude(3)

WARNING: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Audire

Te audire non possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. (I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear.)

Authority

A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right.

Avalanche

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

Average(1)

The "decent, average man and woman" are only happy with cookie cutter views matching their own. Controversy offends them.

Average(2)

The average person thinks he isn't. -Father Larry Lorenzoni

Average(3)

The average human has about one breast and one testicle.

Average(4)

The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average guy can see better than he can think.

Average(5)

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Avril

Avril Lavigne is like the Sid Vicious for the new generation, except without the personality.

Away

Go away or I will replace you with a very small shell script.